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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24668593">I'm Right Here.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breath_of_the_Machine/pseuds/Breath_of_the_Machine'>Breath_of_the_Machine</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Durarara!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Crushes, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gen, Hand Jobs, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, LIKE IN EVERY CHAPTER, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Porn With Plot, Probably offensive, Riding, Romance, Rough Sex, Sexual Tension, Violence, bring your emotional bingo cards, copious formatting liberties for DRAMA, dash abuse, dash it all, dashional monument, irresponsible behaviour, long-ass sentences, serving up lgbt realness, short-ass sentences, too many f-bombs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:33:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,751</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24668593</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breath_of_the_Machine/pseuds/Breath_of_the_Machine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shizuo has second thoughts about secretly seeing his enemy. Shinra contemplates murder. Mysterious and violent things happen in Ikebukuro. And with Izaya’s provocations ramping up, it’s only a matter of time before Shizuo snaps. Ending their little fling would make things so much simpler. If only it wasn’t so… y’know. Hot.</p><p>(It's a sequel to Shifting, if you're into that. A little darker, a little more complex. Weirder! Yay!)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Heiwajima Shizuo &amp; Orihara Izaya, Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783624</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I’m back (from the dark depths of my unmedicated soul)! And I’m old now! :D But maybe you’re old, too. Are you guys even still reading Durarara fics? I know I am. ;) Either way, here’s this. </p><p>(If you haven’t read Shifting, you can follow the “Previous Work” link to part one and see how little I’ve matured in 5 years.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>\\\</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>In the days that followed, I didn’t see much of Izaya. When we’d returned late that night, he had thrown me the money and a brief “later~!” and disappeared inside his house. Neither of us had talked about what happened on the drive. That relieved me as much as it bugged me. Not that I was particularly eager for anyone to know what had happened. If he wasn’t going to address it, I sure as hell wasn’t going to, either.</p><p>The maniac had paid me enough to cover my rent and then some, which led me to believe he either a) had no concept of the value of money, or b) had decided I was now a sex worker and should be paid accordingly. I honestly wasn’t sure.</p><p> </p><p>The feeling of newfound confidence I’d gained lasted long enough for me to persuade my way into a new profession: bartending. Not a bad gig, so long as I didn’t pay too much attention to drunken customers’ insufferable life stories. Just nod, agree, and keep the drinks coming. Break up a fight if it came to it-- something I was more than capable of managing.</p><p>My first Friday night had devolved into two men harassing a good-looking woman, then, when the woman expressed no interest in either of them, a pitiful brawl over who deserved to take her home. I’ve got zero patience for creeps. And I’ve got less-than-zero patience for creeps who cause problems for me. I believe I demonstrated this fairly well when I flung them both halfway across the street.</p><p>After closing, I wiped down the counter and found the woman’s receipt with a phone number written at the bottom. Even if I never planned to use it, it was nice to be appreciated.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>/</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I hadn’t reflected on the driving lesson or its aftermath at all. With work as a distraction, I was able to blissfully push all my thoughts on certain uncomfortable realities to the back of my mind until about two weeks later.</p><p> </p><p>Shinra had finally given up on us ever becoming the presentable group of friends he’d dreamed of and decided that it was time we meet his long-alleged girlfriend. He’d laid it out and made it clear we weren’t to deviate in the slightest: we would meet outside the entrance to Sunshine City, where we would go as a group to a semi-fancy restaurant inside the complex and pretend to be civilized, functional adults for two hours.</p><p>           </p><p> </p><p>I was late. I tapped my finger impatiently against the metal bar I was using to brace myself as the train lumbered down the Sunshine City exit and pulled up to the station. I did my best to avoid pushing as I stepped off, moving aside to light a cigarette before I headed for the complex. It wasn’t a long walk, but I wouldn’t get a chance to smoke again before I’d endured several hours of forced small talk and Shinra’s lovey-dovey fawning over his girlfriend. I shuddered.</p><p>I stopped for a couple in a white sports car to pass through an intersection before crossing. My mind slipped unconsciously back to a similar car, one framed by quiet miles of trees and creaking under considerable strain….</p><p>Somebody clapped me on the shoulder and fortunately broke me out of my reverie.</p><p>“Yo.”</p><p>Kadota’s perpetually calm face appeared at my side. He gave a small half-wave and fell into step beside me. The Sunshine 60 cut the skyline ahead of us like a massive, towering domino, easily visible from miles away.</p><p>“No crew today?” I asked, being careful to not to blow smoke in my friend’s direction.</p><p>“They’re camping out in a line for a special edition manga release,” he shrugged. “Told me to say hello, though. Erika wants me to send her pictures of this mystery woman, which I’m definitely not going to do. I also heard that she’s Irish?”</p><p>“Mmm,” I mused. “Might explain the tourist trap.”</p><p>Kadota chuckled. He kept quiet for most of the walk, but I knew he could tell there was something on my mind. He didn’t seem to want to press it. The guy’s perceptive like that.</p><p> </p><p>Some distance ahead, I spied Shinra, devoid of his usual white coat and sporting a formal dress shirt, leaning against one of the small trees by the entrance of the complex. He seemed immersed in a discussion. When he spotted Kadota and I approaching he waved, his whole arm swinging energetically with the effort. I slowed my pace once I’d caught sight of the person he was talking with. A deep nausea invaded in my stomach. A head of black hair turned, and a set of red-brown eyes swept in our direction, hunting. There was no trace of the unsure creature I remembered from weeks before. A wicked smirk cut across Izaya’s face.</p><p>Shinra extracted himself from his conversation and trotted over to meet us. “Wow, you two. Izaya came from Shinjuku and was still on time. What’s your excuse?”</p><p>“Sorry about that,” Kadota offered on our behalf.</p><p>Shinra waved his hand dismissively. “Come on, let’s go—Celty’s holding our table and I won’t forgive you if you starve her perfect figure to death.” Despite his words, he seemed in good spirits; he nearly skipped to the entrance. Kadota trailed him with a half-hearted jog.</p><p>Izaya, unsurprisingly, fell behind the group, smiling complacently as he texted his way into what was probably another gang war. I hung back too, under the pretense of finishing my cigarette. I waited until I was close enough for him to hear me.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>He raised an eyebrow and cocked his head my way in acknowledgement, but didn’t look up from his phone.</p><p>“This lunch with everyone. Just don’t be… weird.”</p><p>“Shizu-chan, why would I be weird? It’s not like we stopped to have dirty sex on the side of a mountain.” He kept texting.</p><p>I took the last half of my cigarette in one drag and looked around to assure myself no passersby had heard. A cement truck was barreling down the road next to us. I wondered if walking into traffic would hurt me enough to get me out of this lunch. I exhaled. It’d probably be easier to just push Izaya off the sidewalk. But the truck passed and I missed my chance.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>/</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Several escalators later, we found ourselves maneuvering down a long and packed hallway toward an upscale French restaurant. Izaya snaked his way ahead to the others without another word to me, and I followed.</p><p>Since Shinra didn’t appear to be acting any differently toward either of us, I assumed Izaya hadn’t mentioned anything about our… encounter.</p><p>Of course, he may not have been able to get a word in edgewise with the way Shinra talked constantly about his amazing girlfriend: the poet, the chef, the genius, the angel, the great dancer. The fact that we would meet her for ourselves in a few seconds did nothing to deter him from listing her many, many, <em>many</em> positive traits. Izaya was the only one still responding, merrily poking holes in Shinra’s bubbles only to have the man double-down and make even more outlandish claims like, “Once she won a fight against five grown men, even though she was only wearing a bikini!”.</p><p>Then again, maybe Izaya just liked holding uncomfortable secrets over my head. That sounded like him.</p><p> </p><p>Once we’d squeezed our way through the weekend crowd, I realized I’d somewhat underestimated the dress code for the place. Most of the guests, like Shinra, had made an effort to spruce up their attire. Everything from the crystal chandeliers to the silky tablecloths looked incredibly expensive. Just walking in had me feeling underdressed and over budget.</p><p>A young woman with reddish-brown hair and a black dress waved bashfully at Shinra from a corner table. Shinra clutched his chest and whirled around to us, clearly besotted.</p><p>“Isn’t she the cutest? None of you get any ideas!” He pointed his finger threateningly to each of us in succession, then turned on his heel and ran to embrace the woman. She seemed embarrassed and gently tried to dislodge him. When we had caught up to them at the table, Shinra announced, “Celty, may I introduce Izaya Orihara, Kyouhei Kadota, and Shizuo Heiwajima. These reputable fellows are my very dear friends, unless you find that you hate them, in which case they mean absolutely nothing to me.” He smiled cheerfully in our direction. “Gentlemen, this lovely rose,” he swung his arm theatrically “is my official girlfriend and the love of my life, Celty Sturluson.”</p><p>The woman looked us over with blue-green eyes. She seemed a little flustered at Shinra’s showy introduction, but politely stated, “Hello, everyone. It’s nice to finally meet you all.” She had a kind, calming sort of voice.</p><p>Izaya congratulated them both and expressed his surprise that our aspiring doctor hadn’t just been making her up the whole time. Shinra laughed loudly and attempted to kick Izaya in the shin when Celty looked away. Izaya, apparently used to this move, dodged Shinra’ strike and disguised it by slipping into the elegant dining chair next to him.</p><p>We fell into a brief silence as we all sat and looked through the ornate menus that had already been carefully laid out for us. My stomach rumbled in anticipation.But to my dismay the dishes listed, in keeping with the rest of the decor, tended to be very pricey. Almost immediately, our waiter appeared at Kadota’s elbow and began taking hasty orders from around the table. Since my first bartending check had yet to clear, I would need to conserve my leftover cash. I scanned my options and quickly picked the cheapest thing on the menu, which was whatever “gougeres” were. Izaya shot me an odd look. Probably annoyance, thinking that I’d spent the money he’d given me already.</p><p>After that, he essentially ignored me, focusing instead on peppering the happy couple with personal questions. Between Izaya and Shinra, there wasn’t much room in the conversation for the rest of us, anyway, but that suited me just fine. I took the opportunity to subtly observe this long-rumored Celty, girlfriend of legend.</p><p>She seemed friendly, if not a little shy. Meeting us all at once probably would have been intimidating for anybody. And she was cute. Too cute for Shinra, but he knew that. He showed it in the way that he followed her around like a mosquito of helpfulness, pulling out her chair when she stood and waving at waiters constantly to refill her water, showering her with attention and fancy napkins.</p><p>She, on the other hand, seemed to be trying her best to brush off Shinra’s doting in order to hold her own conversation with Kadota about her occupation.</p><p>“For the most part, I enjoy being a courier, especially in the summer months. Winter is harder, since I usually take my bike, so I—“</p><p>“Wait—you ride a bicycle, even in winter?” Kadota interrupted, confused.</p><p>Celty brightened. “Oh! No, my motorcycle.”</p><p>“You drive a <em>motorcycle</em>?” I asked. I couldn’t help being incredulous; she seemed so demure. I hadn’t tagged her for such a daredevil.</p><p>“Yes. Most of the deliveries are papers or other small packages going to nearby prefects, and using a motorcycle makes it easier for me to get around in traffic.”  </p><p>At this, Izaya leaned forward, his interest piqued. “So tell me, hard-core courier, what’s the strangest thing you’ve delivered for someone?”</p><p>Celty shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, obviously flustered. “I… I wouldn’t know! I respect my clients’ privacy.”</p><p>“How professional of you. They do say what you don’t know can’t hurt you. That’s also why Shizu-chan is practically invincible.”</p><p>Izaya’s mad laugh at his own joke rocked him forward, and I glimpsed the edge of a faded bite mark on his collarbone. It was taking longer to heal than I would have guessed. But then, it had been deeper than I’d intended. I wondered about all the heavy things I’d thrown at him over the years; whether those bruises had taken as long to heal, and whether they hurt him more than he let on when he shook them off like nothing. Heaviness began to creep its way into my chest, and I switched my train of thought, addressing our new courier friend:</p><p>“So, how long have you had a motorcycle?</p><p>Our glasses vibrated. Then came an obnoxiously loud jingle from where Izaya’s jacket pocket was pressed to the edge of the table. He fished out his cell phone and glanced at the number. Curiosity crossed his face. He slid his thumb over the screen and lifted the phone to his ear.</p><p>“Hellooo~?”</p><p>A man’s voice erupted into indistinct shouting on the other end, and Izaya instantly jerked the speaker away. He winced and used his opposite hand to rub the offended ear.</p><p>“Hmmm. Looks like Namie’s been giving out my direct line to people again. I wonder why she’s angry with me this time?” he pondered to himself, ignoring the screaming still pouring from his phone. “Did I forget to pay her last week? …No, no, I remember her delightful scowl when I gave her all those small bills. Maybe she’s just infuriated that her brother’s got a girlfriend. Ah, well. Please excuse me,” he added, half-bowing his head in Celty’s direction before leaving the table for a more secluded conversation space.</p><p>Shinra rested his elbows on the table. “Wowww. So, little Seiji’s dating now….”</p><p>A deep tension I hadn’t noticed in my shoulders ebbed now that Izaya was out of earshot. “Time flies.”</p><p>“I wonder if that really is why she’s angry, though?” Kadota posited.</p><p>Shinra laughed in retort. “She works with Izaya every day; that’s easily reason enough for anyone to be grouchy!”</p><p>Our meals arrived, distracting everyone from the conversation. Celty made a cute little sound of awe at her food, a beautifully braised duck breast in a dark mushroom sauce that smelled divine. Shinra and Kadota were equally impressed by their own lunch orders, gushing over the chef’s exquisite efforts before peeking briefly to see what I had gotten. The table went quiet. My dish was one sad little plate of three delicious-looking, but <em>tiny,</em> cheese puff-balls. We noticeably did <em>not</em> talk about my meager helping. I tried to eat slowly. I could tell the others tried to downplay how amazing their food tasted after that. I could almost smell the pity in the air.</p><p>After a few bites, Celty glanced around nervously and leaned close to Shinra. “That man on the phone earlier sounded really …threatening. What exactly does Izaya do?”</p><p>“Huh.” Shinra tapped his fork against his chin. “I’ve never really asked outright, but from what I gather, he’s a sort of informant for the yakuza.”</p><p>Celty’s eyes popped. “Seriously??”</p><p>Shinra nodded and continued, “Among the other dangerous and shifty people he gathers intel for. So, where you, my noble angel, value your clients’ privacy, Izaya gets paid to devalue everyone’s privacy at all times. Which never annoys any of us at all.” He looked to me. “Right, Shizuo?”</p><p>I gave a noncommittal grunt.</p><p>“It’s not all bad,” Kadota supplied, reassuring Celty. “I mean, be careful spilling your secrets around him, by all means, but occasionally he’ll give people a heads-up that they wouldn’t have otherwise. He does sort of care about people, I think. Just in an odd way.”</p><p>“Speaking of odd, have you heard about that idol?” Izaya had returned, sliding easily into his chair and the conversation at the same time. “The up-and-coming singer who just goes by ‘Chiemi-chan’. Apparently, someone’s out to get her.” He bent forward conspiratorially, and we automatically followed suit. “They say it was little things at first, barely noticeable— doors backstage that were supposed to be off-limits to the public would inexplicably be unlocked. Trinkets would go missing from her dressing room after the show. There were small increases in the hate-mail she received. But after an interview with the head of her fan club was televised, that fan came home the following evening and found that her apartment had been broken into and ransacked. After that, other members of the fan club started having strange accidents. A broken leg here, severe food poisoning there—“</p><p>“Ahhh, come on,” Shinra protested anxiously. “This isn’t appropriate, we’re trying to eat!”</p><p>Izaya ignored him, continuing in an almost urgent whisper. We listened intently, literally on the edge of our seats. “So, after she signed on to tour with a bigger group, she brought her dog on tour with her. An adorable but noisy terrier that she kept in her trailer during performances, meant to scare any burglars away. It seemed to work for awhile. But then after one of the shows, she went near her trailer and didn’t hear her little dog barking. As she got closer to the door, she discovered that there was blood dripping down the doorstep to a puddle on the ground. She called the police, and when they arrived, they opened the door and found—“  </p><p>A sudden loud wailing behind me nearly made me jump out of my skin. Kadota almost fell over in his chair and I heard people sniggering a bit. What I had taken for some kind of howl turned out to be a waiter singing French opera at top volume between Celty and I.</p><p><em>The fuck is this?</em> </p><p>Nearly the entire restaurant was staring at us, so I stared at the opera man. Waiting for him to sing out an explanation, I guess. My face went hot in embarrassment under all the inquiring eyes. A waitress squeezed past the singer to place two large, colorful, and elaborately-topped fruit tarts in front of Celty and I.</p><p>The courier waved her hands in an attempt to disrupt the performance. “Wait, I think there’s been—“</p><p>The man sang over the top of her as the song came to its crescendo. Poor Celty went bright red, and I imagined I looked much the same. Then I caught Izaya’s sly grin from across the table, and the pieces began to fall into place.</p><p>When his song had ended, the waiter patted us both heartily on the back. “Happy Birthday, you two!”</p><p>The entire restaurant applauded, and I briefly regretted not stepping in front of that truck on the way here. Our waitress looked between Celty and I, scrutinizing us.</p><p>“Wow, if your friend hadn’t told me, I would never have guessed that you two were twins!”</p><p>Izaya laughed good-naturedly. “Fraternal. They get that all the time,” he informed her. She laughed with him.</p><p>
  <em>What a beautiful moment they’re sharing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hate him.</em>
</p><p>My stomach rumbled fiercely. While the rest of the table pieced together what had happened, I decided to put my outrage on hold and eat the tart placed in front of me. My irritation was strong, but my hunger was stronger. Why not make the best of Izaya’s idiotic prank? Hopefully, I’d had enough of a non-reaction for that little flea to chalk this one up as a failure.</p><p>Of a different mind entirely, Shinra had on his most tragic expression when he addressed his friend. “Why am <em>I</em> not her twin??”</p><p>“Because then you’d be openly flirting with your own sister. Namie’s proclivities are already about as much as I can handle.”</p><p>“Stop bringing that up in front of Celty!”</p><p>Kadota interjected, “We could have just bought the tarts, there was no need to lie.”</p><p>“But then I wouldn’t have gotten to see the looks on their lovely blushing faces~!” Izaya cooed, propping his chin on his hand and grinning predatorily at Celty and I.</p><p>Shinra threw an arm in front of the woman’s face as if to shield her. “Don’t make my girlfriend blush for your perverted reasons! Celty, ignore these guys, I don’t actually know them, I found them on Craigslist. Let’s go eat this tart together somewhere private.”</p><p>Celty pushed his arm away firmly. “Shinra, stop, it’s fine!”</p><p>My face was still hot. My throat felt scratchy, and I coughed a few times in an attempt to clear it. Must’ve swallowed something that got stuck. Or Izaya poisoned my food in an attempt to kill me. Maybe that was his plan the whole time. If it was, I wished he’d done it before the singing.<br/><br/><br/></p><p>/</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I promise there's a lot more coming as long as the 'rona doesn't get me. Thanks for stopping by, you look great today!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>---</p><p> </p><p>Having finished our awkward meet-the-girlfriend lunch with a barely passing grade from Shinra, we set out from the restaurant to explore the rest of Sunshine City. Mid-day shoppers milled between shops in a way that reminded me of fish moving aimlessly around an aquarium.</p><p>Our besotted couple cut our path through the crowds, locked arm-in-arm at Shinra’s insistence. His bag of leftovers swung haphazardly in his other hand, occasionally bumping strangers in rude places, but our friend remained blissfully unaware of the world beyond his girlfriend.</p><p>Some distance behind us, I could hear Kadota struggling with a candy dispenser while Izaya chattered mindlessly away at him about some new phone app or another. When they returned to our group a digital chime sang out, and a moment later Kadota announced, “Looks like Walker and Erika got through the line faster than they expected. They’re at the arcade now, if we want to head that way.”</p><p>I felt a sudden sting at the base of my skull and whipped around, looking for the source.</p><p>Kadota was very focused on typing a reply on his phone with one hand, while his other hand absently cupped a pile of small, brightly-coloured candies. Seeing me, Izaya raised his eyebrows innocently and shrugged, pointing at Kadota.</p><p><em>Obnoxious little prick. </em>I flipped him off.</p><p>Not even bothering to frame his friend anymore, Izaya brazenly plucked another candy from Kadota’s unsuspecting palm and pitched it at my chest with the same unearthly speed I’d seen him use to throw knives. I managed to slap the projectile down with my hand and, with no ammunition of my own, dug in my pocket for something to chuck back at him. My fingers found a spare coin, and I hurled it at Izaya’s face with all my might. He dodged, and the coin whizzed past his head, striking a nearby metal trash bin with a startling bang. The entire hall of bystanders instinctively spun to see what the commotion was.The dented bin rattled as it swung off its axis, then tilted back upright, oscillating loudly several times before stilling.</p><p>
  <em>Shit. Near thing I didn’t hit anybody. </em>
</p><p>Shinra had turned and was glaring death at the three of us, the angry creases in his forehead practically spelling out ‘<em>BEHAVE</em>’. His expression would have been very scary, if I was afraid of Shinra.</p><p>“Sorry, Dad,” I offered, and Kadota laughed.</p><p>I glanced behind me and noticed Izaya had frozen in place several steps back. He’d been distracted by a shopfront, which as far as I could tell was streaming the news on most of its advertised plasma-screen televisions. It looked like a traffic report on a pretty horrific car crash, but before I could read the details Izaya had turned and caught me staring. Then the bastard <em>winked</em>.</p><p>Fuming, I glimpsed briefly at the rest of our group, but fortunately they all three had clustered around a window showcasing backpacks made to look like Yoda.</p><p>Izaya slipped his phone from his pocket and began dialing a number while he called out, “Sorry to cut this lovely excursion short, Shinra, but I’m needed elsewhere!” He shot his friend a nauseatingly sweet smile and waved, “You’ll survive without me, right?”</p><p>“Extremely well! I feel happier already!” Shinra waved back, an equally cloying smile on his face.</p><p>“You’ll miss me when you’re bored out of your mind!”</p><p>“We won’t know that until you leave!”</p><p>Izaya laughed and disappeared among the throngs of shoppers. I shook my head, beyond trying to fathom their relationship.</p><p>
  <em>Maniacs, the both of them.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Once inside the arcade, it took a bit of hunting to find our friends. They were glued to a dark corner in the back, where Erika was making some gaudy anime-themed pinball machine light up almost incessantly.</p><p>When we’d maneuvered our way over to them, Shinra turned excitedly to his girlfriend and chimed “Celty, this is Walker—“ Walker gave a little smile and threw up a peace sign, “—and this is Erika.”</p><p>Erika gave no response to his introduction and continued to aggressively hit the flippers of the machine.</p><p>Shinra’s smile faltered. “Erika?”</p><p>The woman grunted.</p><p>“She can’t look up,” Walker explained. “She’s gunning for the high score. Don’t distract her; she’s already made it past fifth place.”</p><p>Shinra raised his hands defensively and made a zipping motion across his mouth. Looking for something to distract himself with, he gravitated to the nearest <em>Street Fighter</em> game and deposited his coins. The rest of us watched in awe as Erika’s every rapid move triggered more lights and sounds.</p><p>I reached into my pocket and found I didn’t have enough change to play anything now because, I realized with a sigh, I’d thrown my damn stupid money at that damn stupid flea. A gleeful ‘<em>haha, Shizu-chan is a moron!’ </em>rang through my head, but I viciously smothered it and decided that the refrigerated vending machine nearby was my next best option. I slipped away to eye my choices while the others chatted.</p><p>Kadota leaned casually against the wall next to the pinball machine and frowned as he addressed Shinra. “What d’you think the deal was with that dessert thing?”</p><p>"What dessert thing?" Walker asked.</p><p>Shinra hummed, still indecisively scrolling through the character selection. "Izaya scam-ordered dessert for Celty and Shizuo to embarrass them and, I assume, because he needed the attention."</p><p>Celty, apparently reluctant to badmouth such a new acquaintance, tried to placate her boyfriend. "Well, you said he's odd about his friends, maybe it was just an unusual way of trying to be nice?"</p><p>Shinra finally selected a huge, hairy character covered in bulging muscles and scars and began his first round. "Celty, you absolute saint,” he cooed, “I love that you’re trying to defend someone as awful as Izaya. But trust me, 'just being nice' is not a mode he’s programmed to have. Not in the many, many, <em>many</em> years I’ve known him. At least, not without an ulterior motive."</p><p>The pinball machine lit up wildly as it stole the ball, giving a creepy mechanical laugh. Erika waited over the plunger for the next ball to appear as she posited, "Oooh, maybe it’s a crush?"</p><p>"Not likely. As far as I know he's never had a crush, as that would require fondness for someone other than himself."</p><p>I snorted. Shinra had always defended Izaya whenever one of us would complain about him, in spite of the fact that Shinra was the one who complained about him most of all. I spied a bottle of chocolate milk and settled on that as a good option. It banged its way down the machine a bit before I was able to fish it out.</p><p>“No, that might make sense,” Walker protested. “In <em>My Teacher Is A Rebirthed Seagull</em>, it says that in a limited community, whatever social needs the members have will end up being supplemented by whoever is already around. But it's talking about inbreeding in groups of endangered whales, so--”</p><p>“WHAAAAAAT?!?” Shinra’s shriek made several nearby gamers jump and peer curiously in our direction. He turned from his game to round on us, abandoning his character to a brutal knockout. “Are you saying he’s developed some kind of disgusting feelings for Celty?! That slimy, shifty whale! I won’t have it!!” He grabbed ahold of Celty’s hand and brought it to his face, nuzzling it. “Though, I suppose it was only a matter of time-- she’s too beautiful, too pure. How am I going to murder Izaya and make it look like an accident? And on such short notice?!” He began to mutter to himself like a madman and didn’t seem to notice when Celty wriggled her hand out of his vice-like grip. He slowly returned to his game, deep in concentration.</p><p>I crossed to stand near the pinball machine and was amazed. Erika’s quick reflexes had pushed her past the previous third place score. <em>Impressive, </em>I thought to myself. <em>She might actually do it.</em></p><p>Erika grinned slyly and elbowed me without looking up from her game. “Or maybe it’s BL and he’s got a crush on Shizu-Shizu.”</p><p>I scoffed. "Don’t start with that again.” I tried to hide my panic with annoyance and reminded myself that no one would take her seriously. If any conversation ran long enough, Erika would eventually steer it toward her weird theories about sexual deviances she’d seen in late-night anime. I automatically started searching for my lighter before remembering I couldn’t smoke in here.</p><p>Walker winced. “Oof. I wouldn’t envy you that. You know when little kids are scared there’s something evil under their bed? That's how I imagine a victim of Izaya's courtship. It’d be like a nightmare straight out of <em>When the Platypuses Cry</em>."</p><p>“Iza-Iza <em>was</em> weird about him for awhile,” Erika persisted. “Around the time of Shinra’s birthday party, remember?”</p><p>“Ahhh, the night of a thousand shots,” Kadota said wistfully, his gaze far away.</p><p>Walker gave a weary groan. "That entire night is a blur. I remember walking in the door, thinking 'this’ll be a good time', and then I was waking up in Shinra's bathtub, covered in my own sick."</p><p>Kadota shook his head disapprovingly. "A man should be able to hold his liquor."</p><p>I chuckled and popped open the lid of my drink, taking a swig.</p><p>Erika had been whispering under her breath while we reminisced, and what we had assumed to be a string of curses aimed at the pinball machine slowly became more audible:</p><p>            “…enjoying their ice cream almost as much as they enjoy each other but the lusty heat between their naked bodies is too much and Iza-Iza’s drips onto his bare chest and Shizu finds himself watching the melting trail of white slowly drip down-down-<em>down</em>….“</p><p>My drink suddenly tasted bad in my mouth and I gagged a little. I didn’t know what scenario she’d worked out where Izaya and I would be naked and eating ice cream, and I didn’t want to. I saw Celty shift uncomfortably, crossing her arms and looking around nervously to see if anyone had heard. In the same line of thinking, I cleared my throat loudly at Erika, casting my eye toward a group of children racing in an <em>Initial D</em> game nearby.</p><p>Our discomfort was lost on the otaku as she made an impossible shot, sending the silver ball flying into a tiny metal cage. The machine spat the ball back at her at an enormous speed, which Erika took in stride, monologue never stopping, her eyes still alight with feverish fantasy. I huffed in irritation and fixed my gaze on the kids’ <em>Initial D</em> game. The cars sped dangerously over mountain roads flanked by hundreds of trees and I realized that being reminded of a similar situation was not helping things.</p><p>Kadota closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “It wasn’t ice cream, it was a fruit tart. How did we even get on this subject? This isn’t--”</p><p>“Tart, then,” Erika’s volume continued to increase. “A steamy night spent eating fruit off each others’ bodies but they find the taste of each others’ skin is sweeter and <em>then</em>--!”</p><p>I felt my face heat up in irritation, and with no appropriate way to express it, I chugged my drink to avoid screaming at Erika. Celty, however, seemed to reach the bursting point of her discomfort and yelled, “Please stop!! I’m sure the whole situation has embarrassed everyone enough, and anyway, this really is not appropriate!”</p><p>Erika’s last pinball ricocheted fiercely between the bumpers on the machine, and with a final well-placed flip, she sent it rocketing up a narrow ramp into a bonus point area at the top of the playfield. The machine trumpeted a celebratory song and its bells dinged loudly as “NEW HIGH SCORE” flashed across the display. Erika thrust a victory fist high into the air as she finished, “…M-PREG!!!”</p><p>I immediately inhaled half my drink into my lungs and sprayed the rest all down my shirt, dissolving into a violent hacking fit. My face was on fire as my humiliation and fury and the need to breathe all fought. Walker stared fearfully at Erika, and Kadota had closed his eyes again like he was pretending to be anywhere but here. The part of Celty’s face that wasn’t buried in her hands was a fierce red. She might have been crying.</p><p>Walker cautiously patted Erika’s shoulder, stone-faced. “Seriously, you’re scaring me.”</p><p>Kadota nudged his friends out of the way to try his hand at the pinball game, dropping his coins in and decisively commanding, “Let’s stop talking about this.”</p><p>“Seconded,” I managed to rasp.</p><p>“Whaaaaa?” Erika looked between each one of us in disbelief. Raising her voice to drown out my coughing, she demanded, “Shinra! You’ve been very quiet. Don’t you think it’s a possibility?”</p><p>Shinra turned once more from losing valiantly at <em>Street Fighter</em> and stroked his chin. He seemed to slowly come out of a reverie. “Hmm? What is? I wasn’t listening. I was trying to decide whether it’d be better to kill Izaya far away from my home and try to bleach the crime scene, or to just do it in my operating room, since there’s already been blood there. Hide it in plain sight, you know? Ah, I’ll figure it out later.” He waved his hand dismissively and finally turned his attentions back to his tormented girlfriend. “Celty, my love, what’s wrong?! Are you distressed by Izaya’s gross crush on you? Don’t worry, he’ll be dead soon.” He fished his leftovers from their brown paper bag. “For now, my lovely princess, wear this takeaway bag over your head to hide your allure from any other creeps.”</p><p>Celty, still blushing furiously, snatched the bag, crumpled it into a ball, and bounced it off Shinra’s forehead. “No. And please don’t murder anyone.”</p><p>I was kinda starting to like her.</p><p>Shinra caught sight of me then, red-faced and wheezing from my efforts to expel liquid from my lungs. “What’s happened? Why are you covered in milk?”</p><p>I shook my head. “You really just missed that entire fuckin’ conversation, huh?”</p><p>“Watch what you say, Shizuo-kun; there are little kids here!”<br/><br/><br/></p><p> </p><p>---</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I can’t stop being goofy. Or won’t. Whichever. #gooflife</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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